Bunny Waffles

Terrible

I don’t like the way I look.

My hair never quite does.

My jaw is off-set so that my face is lopsided.

I have buttocks inherited from my mother’s side. They are somewhat gelatinous, historical.

These are not opinions, they are facts.

As a result of this I don’t much like photos. Things are generally okay if I tilt my head slightly this way and don’t open my mouth very much at all, you know the sort of thing. However following a recent trip to the hairdresser, my stylist Chris asked if I would mind posing for a couple of photos. His review was coming up and my tamed fetlocks in all their flash-coloured awesomeness would do very nicely as an example of his ability. Slightly sweaty and compressed from the time spent in the chair, I agreed. ‘Don’t get my face though,’ I warned him, ‘there will be regrets with too much face.’

I stood up and cheered on by a small crowd of lovely people, immediately forgot all my internet-based training as to how to take a wonderful, non-shameful photograph. Shoulders back, stand up straight, smize, don’t dribble too much, all forgotten at the click of a button.

The photos were later uploaded onto Facebook, and I knew before I’d even seen them that I would hate them deeply. Not the hair (his hair talent is always fantastic), but the face. The TOO MUCH FACE.

And I was right.

Terrible 3Terrible 1 Terrible 4 Terrible 5At first glance every photo showed me hunched, skinny collar bones protruding too much, my nose out of shape, the longest side of my face closest to the camera and therefore making me look like a wasteland of pastiness, my half-smiling mouth looking as out of place as I felt beneath the lens. Just look at them. A remembrance of awkwardness flooded into my throat as I stared at the screen, laced with intense disappointment at my spoiling of Chris’s nice hair photo that he would be forced to show to his review board. Oh God, I’m so sorry.

But it was a picture of me nonetheless, and it existed for all the world to see. Because when you’re naked on the internet, everyone can see your foof.

Days passed and I almost became used to seeing my grimacing self staring back at me from my Facebook dashboard. I really wanted to like the photos because it was me in them, and because for once I didn’t have my face tilted at that one angle, and maybe I should just be able to goddamn accept that this is how my face looks, and that someone loves me in spite of it, and that someone was willing to risk his professional hairdressing reputation by featuring me in his review photos. I got a job with this face, and was once given a free coffee at the train station with a wink and a ginger biscuit, AND I had a fucking beautiful haircut.

Hell, I am awkward. I am pale. I do have a lopsided face. My butt is way more gelatinous than my chest area. My nose is slightly odd, as is my dress sense, my personality, my blog, and my haircut. Sometimes I like these things, and sometimes I hate them. When I pose for photos I look terrible, and when I don’t I look terrible too. I look terrible in general. I am terrible. My opinion of myself is terrible. But is anyone any different? Of everyone else in this whole world, all of whom don’t really look terrible, might look at my photo and think that I don’t look terrible, or that I do, and that’s fine, because we’re all equally terrible, in our own ways, terribly. You know?

I became proud of the photos because they showed me exactly as I am, without that little angle, but also successfully without the aforementioned drooling. They are photos of me in my most natural, awkward state. And just maybe they aren’t so terrible afterall.


Body confidence is not an easy thing to master. My sister once told me that she’d entirely given up trying to look good in photos because she had accepted the limitations of her own face, and knew that ‘good’ was never going to happen.

My sister is one of the most beautiful people I know.

Becky

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This entry was published on March 11, 2014 at 00:01. It’s filed under Hairballs and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

6 thoughts on “Terrible

  1. Beautiful Anna

    It’s ever so worse for girls… Sadly

    I have known several Beautiful Girls over the years… Friends or other… And I dare say none of them liked their looks

    I’m sure this is not anything new to you

    None the less

    There it is

    Actually, in some cases, they did… They didn’t… They did… They didn’t, Lol

    Depending on the Mood… Depending on the day… Depending on that damned blasted Northern Wind, Lol

    The truth is, your Beauty Runs so Deep… Well… There it is again

    Lovely Photos… Lovely Person

    Brilliant Damn Writer, Lol

    Good to see you again… Both ‘Literally’, and/or ‘Internet-ed-ly’… Hell, Physically, Spiritually, Figuratively, Theoretically, umm

    English really isn’t my thing, lol

    Well Met

    Er, Re-Met

    DJ-

    Like

    • Well met indeed! I’ve always wanted an excuse to use that in conversation.
      Thanks for the comment, DJ đŸ™‚

      Like

  2. Others may try and try, but no one can truly hate us like we can hate ourselves. Anna (to attempt some no-doubt outmoded British slang), you are a “right fetching bird”, a lovely young lass, and I’m sure you hear compliments similar to that on a regular or irregular basis from family, friends, and from your beau (unless he’s been dropped on his head or you’ve forbidden him to ever compliment you). The look and the light in your eyes go along quite well with the words you put out into cyberspace. What I mean by that is that you have the look of someone who has an interesting mind.
    The last few lines about your sister are wonderful and I hope she reads them.
    Of course, should you ever drool in any pics, I take all this back.
    Love the hair, by the way.

    Like

    • Thank you so much- at present I can’t much stand being awake, but your kind message has brought some light into my day. And now I’mma save up all my drool and send it to you in a decorated tupperware container, I hope you know.

      Like

  3. Anna, on March 31st, I will be partaking in what’s called a ‘My Writing Porcess Blog Tour’… Basically I’ll be Posting about my Writing Process as a Writer… Within it, I will mention Three Writers, who will then do the same on their Blog one week later… Or on April 7th… Etc. Here is a sample of what it is like http://dlsummers.wordpress.com/2014/03/17/my-writing-process-blog-tour/ I was wondering if you’d like to be one of the Three Writers that I mention? You can let me know… If you would, then I’d just need for you to shoot me a short Bio (Refer to the ones’ at the bottom of that Link I gave you)… Nothing too long… And then you can then choose a few writers, and Post it like I say on April 7th… You probably still have one of my E-mails, but in case you don’t have my most current, it’s jadeblue68@yahoo.com… No pressure, you’re just one of my favorite writers, as you know Nuff Said Hope you are Well DJ-

    Like

  4. Oh, and I figure you’ll Post it on your “Insanity Aquarium” Blog, I know this is more of a semi/kinda/personal Blog.

    Like

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