It’s Halloween and the chances are that if you aren’t out getting murdered by Jason Voorhees or stuffing your face with stranger’s year-old milk chocolate, covered with a disturbing but somehow still edible white crust, you’ll be at home watching a film. But put away Candyman (heh, butt putt) and loosen the chains on your BS Dracula (that’s funny because BS can mean Bram Stoker and also bull… oh right, you’ve already got it), and settle in for a night of screams and emotional trauma with these five alternative Halloween flicks. And by ‘alternative’, I mean perhaps slightly untypical. And by ‘perhaps’, I mean that I have watched these films so often that any understanding of Halloween normality has been entirely disintegrated by honey badgers. Oh God, this isn’t working.
FIVE HALLOWEEN FILMS I WOULD RECOMMEND INCASE YOU WEREN’T AWARE THEY EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Ah. Much better.
What could be more wonderful than snuggling with your loved one on Halloween and watching a heart-warming, romantic story about finding love in the- HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THAT DUDE IS EATING VOMIT OUT OF A DOG BOWL.
2. Dead Man’s Shoes
Paddy Considine is basically amazing, and although not a Halloween film in the traditional sense, there is something very dark about a man who lives in an abandoned shack in Matlock and kills people with his mentally-handicapped brother.
3. Dead Snow
Undead zombie Nazis in a pleasant wintry landscape. Nothing else really needs to be said, except perhaps that the soundtrack is also very pleasant. Pleasantries and flesh-eating inappropriateness for everybody!
4. Switchblade Romance
French horror with a kick, and a sickening twist which will have you flailing around the living room with sheer joy. Dark, mysterious and very, very good. Can’t be arsed with subtitles though? Mierde. Get the hell outta my webspace.
5. The Mist
You don’t see many monsters but you don’t have to because it turns out that human behaviour is the most terrifying thing of all! *Scary music* But seriously, this is a damn good film with a disheartening end which makes me also think of the Signal. Was that perhaps a sneaky attempt to increase my list of films to six? Oh, yus.
If all else fails however and you cannot watch these films because you have no arms, you can always watch Jurassic Park on repeat. It’s good for Halloween, Christmas, birthdays, funerals, and armless people (inexplicably). I’m not obsessed though. Honestly.