When I was in the hospital just before Christmas on account of drunken tomfoolery, and lounging around eating ginger biscuits for the majority of weeks after, I neglected to tell you that I became famous. Famous! Well, sort of. Not like mass-murderer famous… more like man-accidentally-eats-own-arm famous. Actually, maybe a little less famous than that. But famous nonetheless.
I may have told some of you last year that I landed a background role as a film extra in an extraterrestrial movie, filmed in the magnificence of Derbyshire, starring the superb Jean Claude Van Damme; and of course myself. So basically, I was in a low-budget alien film and had to run around a shopping centre screaming so JCVD could come in and save the day with his back-hair and alcoholism. Ladies and jellyspoons, hold on to your hats and heroin, I present to you UFO (trailer here).
Now, I must confess I haven’t actually seen the film yet, although one of my friends has assured me that my name does appear in the credits (yay!). I’m sure I will get around to seeing it at some point, it has brought me fame and bitches afterall. I don’t know whether I do appear in the film itself, but I do in the behind the scenes featurette and that’s good enough for me!
You’re gonna be impressed, I just know it. Play the behind the scenes video in the link above and scroll along to 06:22. Then watch out for that beautiful, clearly artistically gifted woman, whom every director should hire immediately, running for her life. Can’t see her? Oh, sorry. Instead try looking to the top right to the girl who hears a gun shot and then literally prances off into the distance, like a fairy chasing after a floaty dandelion. Every time I see her I am screaming in my head, RUN BITCH, THE ALIENS ARE COMING TO EAT YOUR FACE! And then I remember that girl is me and weep quietly into my pyjamas.
Now, I blame my inability to run on my footwear, and also my inability to run in general. But the footwear brings me to my next point… I was wearing New Rocks on the day which excuses me entirely as anyone who has ever worn New Rocks knows that they are the worst possible shoes to run away from aliens in. For Christmas I also got a brand new pair- the ones in the picture underneath- and I am currently in the long process of breaking them in. I am wearing them at the moment and while I can’t feel any pain really, there is a small pool of blood following me around wherever I go, which might not be a good thing.
Where am I going with this? Well, if my UFO experience has taught me anything, it’s to make sure that you wear appropriate footwear when the alien invasion is happening. This is a warning to you all. Not feeling my feet now will serve me better in the long run when I am able to run in my new, fantastic shoes, or at the very least I end up in a wheelchair- added wheel power is always going to ensure a quick escape. Downhill at least.
Incidentally in the video I also appear at 06:27 on the right hand side with hands that are so white I look like I am dying… so at the very least I could play a corpse on a failing television show. HIRE ME, PEOPLE!