And so we continue, my friends, into the bizarre and unusual stories I was told as a child, in an effort to make me into a better citizen (and just look how successful that’s been!). I say a thank you to the malevolent geniuses that ever thought to bring these kinds of stories into the school because now, as a 22 year old, I am able to look back and laugh, and weep ever so slightly from confusion. This is the concluding part of our journey into my past- I hope you get some nice souvenirs. I have my eye on that little donkey though. Hands off, bitches.
The Waterproof Camera
Image from Google
It’s some little boy’s tenth birthday, and all he’s ever wanted was a waterproof camera to take with him when he went to the seaside. And guess what he gets for his birthday? Why, a waterproof camera, of course! How lovely. It makes your heart swell and burst, and then they have to call the paramedics for you. It’s all very literal.
But, anyway, he gets this waterproof camera and he’s so excited that when he goes for a bath that night, he takes it with him to ‘try it out’. So he gets in the bath and lines all his rubber ducks up in a line (or whatever the modern day equivalent of this is… shotguns, or something) and goes under the water to take pictures of them. But oh no! His camera explodes in his hands and he’s left there, sat in the bath, surrounded by the remnants of his precious camera and disappointment.
So the day before they’re due to go on holiday his Dad asks him why he hasn’t packed his camera. The little boy looks up into his father’s eyes and tells the biggest lie he’s ever told in his short life, ‘I think Mum might have accidentally washed it’. The boy’s dad is so angry with his son- he knows he has lied because his filthy useless wife never does any washing- so he sends him to his room to think about what he’s done. The camera was never designed to go underwater, it was just ‘waterproof’. Sheesh, ten-year-old-kid, get it right, yeah?
Anyway, a few hours later the Dad drags the kid to the store where they purchased the camera from to try and get a refund. By now the boy is filled with regret- not only has he lost the thing he had wanted for all these years, but he’s lost the respect of his father. Aah, tragic. The customer service lady takes the broken camera from the Dad’s hands and looks at it.
‘And how did it break?’
‘It, er…’, the Dad thinks about it for a couple of moments, ‘… that’s, er, how it was when we opened it’.
And with that, the story ends.
The Moral of the Story: LIE. Always lie! What an utterly bizarre way to end any story. There are no repercussions or steadfast notions of how the story ended. Did they get a refund? Did they go on holiday? Was the little boy scarred for life by the immense guilt he felt after being lectured about lying by his lying father? We have no way of knowing, but what we do know according to this story is that your parents are always going to mislead you and you shouldn’t listen to a damn thing they say.
It tells us to lie even if you’re told that lying is wrong, because at the end of it all, everyone’s going to lie, and it will probably get you a refund at some point. And that it’s also okay to backtrack in front of your children and give them mixed moral messages. Kiss your mother goodnight and stab her in the eyes, that sort of thing.
The Burning Bush
Hilarious image from Google
I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not that burning bush. It’s the other one. I took it upon myself in senior school to read the entire New Testament and came up with a list of queries that didn’t entirely make sense (as much as a book about zombie resurrection can make sense). I found something about a burning bush that wasn’t the other burning bush we’re always told about and strolled right into a Church one Sunday morning to ask them about it, and was shortly asked to leave. Now the fact that I can’t remember much about the whole thing except for the fact that there was a burning bush leaves me feeling slightly distraught, but all the same it was worthy of a mention, if only for the powerful moral.
The Moral of the Story: SET THINGS ON FIRE. Like all good children’s stories, the moral of this one is based purely in violence. That, and love. So if you love stuff, you must set it on fire. I think that’s a pretty decent moral.