Bunny Waffles

‘Once Upon a Time’ Part II

And so we continue, my friends, into the bizarre and unusual stories I was told as a child, in an effort to make me into a better citizen (and just look how successful that’s been!). I say a thank you to the malevolent geniuses that ever thought to bring these kinds of stories into the school because now, as a 22 year old, I am able to look back and laugh, and weep ever so slightly from confusion. This is the concluding part of our journey into my past- I hope you get some nice souvenirs. I have my eye on that little donkey though. Hands off, bitches.

– Read Part 1 Here –

The Waterproof Camera

https://bunnywaffles.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/canondigitalpowershot.jpg?w=272

Image from Google

It’s some little boy’s tenth birthday, and all he’s ever wanted was a waterproof camera to take with him when he went to the seaside. And guess what he gets for his birthday? Why, a waterproof camera, of course! How lovely. It makes your heart swell and burst, and then they have to call the paramedics for you. It’s all very literal.

But, anyway, he gets this waterproof camera and he’s so excited that when he goes for a bath that night, he takes it with him to ‘try it out’. So he gets in the bath and lines all his rubber ducks up in a line (or whatever the modern day equivalent of this is… shotguns, or something) and goes under the water to take pictures of them. But oh no! His camera explodes in his hands and he’s left there, sat in the bath, surrounded by the remnants of his precious camera and disappointment.

So the day before they’re due to go on holiday his Dad asks him why he hasn’t packed his camera. The little boy looks up into his father’s eyes and tells the biggest lie he’s ever told in his short life, ‘I think Mum might have accidentally washed it’. The boy’s dad is so angry with his son- he knows he has lied because his filthy useless wife never does any washing- so he sends him to his room to think about what he’s done. The camera was never designed to go underwater, it was just ‘waterproof’. Sheesh, ten-year-old-kid, get it right, yeah?

Anyway, a few hours later the Dad drags the kid to the store where they purchased the camera from to try and get a refund. By now the boy is filled with regret- not only has he lost the thing he had wanted for all these years, but he’s lost the respect of his father. Aah, tragic. The customer service lady takes the broken camera from the Dad’s hands and looks at it.

‘And how did it break?’

‘It, er…’, the Dad thinks about it for a couple of moments, ‘… that’s, er, how it was when we opened it’.

And with that, the story ends.

The Moral of the Story:  LIE. Always lie! What an utterly bizarre way to end any story. There are no repercussions or steadfast notions of how the story ended. Did they get a refund? Did they go on holiday? Was the little boy scarred for life by the immense guilt he felt after being lectured about lying by his lying father? We have no way of knowing, but what we do know according to this story is that your parents are always going to mislead you and you shouldn’t listen to a damn thing they say.

It tells us to lie even if you’re told that lying is wrong, because at the end of it all, everyone’s going to lie, and it will probably get you a refund at some point. And that it’s also okay to backtrack in front of your children and give them mixed moral messages. Kiss your mother goodnight and stab her in the eyes, that sort of thing.

The Burning Bush

Hilarious image from Google
WTF Jesus?

I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not that burning bush. It’s the other one. I took it upon myself in senior school to read the entire New Testament and came up with a list of queries that didn’t entirely make sense (as much as a book about zombie resurrection can make sense). I found something about a burning bush that wasn’t the other burning bush we’re always told about and strolled right into a Church one Sunday morning to ask them about it, and was shortly asked to leave. Now the fact that I can’t remember much about the whole thing except for the fact that there was a burning bush leaves me feeling slightly distraught, but all the same it was worthy of a mention, if only for the powerful moral.

The Moral of the Story:  SET THINGS ON FIRE. Like all good children’s stories, the moral of this one is based purely in violence. That, and love. So if you love stuff, you must set it on fire. I think that’s a pretty decent moral.

Advertisements
This entry was published on July 22, 2012 at 00:01. It’s filed under Weird & Wonderful and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “‘Once Upon a Time’ Part II

  1. Lol

    My brother and I actually did set our house on fire accidentally when I was a kid, Lol

    Ok ok, so it was me that caught it on fire, Lol… But the two of us were messing with fire, I just happened to be the one that flew the Styrofoam plane around the house after we had lit it on fire… And I guess a spark got on our stuffed Baloo Bear, and well…

    I caught the house on fire, Lol… When people used to ask about it, I would reply “The House was Banana Yellow, with Rust Orange Carpet… We had to do something”, Lol

    I also caught the cat on fire, and a pinata that we had in the house on fire… Hmm, I guess I was either bad with fire… Or good with it, lol

    With the pinata… Well, lets just say a friend had taught us how to flick/shoot matches yah know… You’ve probably done this? Maybe not, Lol

    Anyway, I was laying on my back in the living room, shooting matches into the air… Wow, right… How could I be that stupid, Lol

    Luckily it was just a very short phase… But not short enough, as we had (it was my one of my Sisters) pinata hanging from the ceiling… A Turkey? I think… Anyway, one of the times I shot a match up, it didn’t come down… And I was like “Uh oh”, Lol

    And “WOOOOFF!!!” it fully flamed up, Ha

    After it stopped burning, I took the blackened remains, and hid it under the house, Ha

    If you knew this Sister, you’d understand… She was a Royal B#$@# to us as kids, Lol

    She was hardly around, and when she was, she was a mean one.

    Anyway, it wasn’t until 5 years later or so that I said “Remember that Turkey Pinata you had?” and she’s like… “Yeah?” Lol

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Hide the Evidence until you’re bigger than the person that will want to hurt you, Lol

    Thanks for sharing your Past with us Anna, it’s cool learning about you, even if it is a bunch of messed up stories told to you by adults who had their heads up their asses, Lol

    DJ-

    Like

  2. “The boy’s dad is so angry with his son- he knows he has lied because his filthy useless wife never does any washing”

    That made me literally LOL! 😀 When I get sent to prison for setting things on fire and then lying about it afterwards, it shall be these stories to blame!

    Like

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: